has anyone ever wondered why people are always secretly depressed? like, i honestly dont know a genuinely happy person. i always thought i was alone in being unhappy because i never talked about it with anyone...hell, i never really had anyone to talk about it with after the age of 12 (thats when i lost my best friend to age i suppose). i've never been able to make those connections, but its those connections that keep us grounded. without them, the world seems bitter and harsh like a drunken stepfather. and the thing is, this sadness or unhappiness is universally accepted as the thing people suffer with alone because they are either too proud or too filled with loneliness.

"y'all rappers couldnt (w)rap this dope wit a zig zag" incredible word play!

as far as my friends go, i've honestly only talked to maybe two about anything i was going through, whether it was a break up or mental shit. i kinda went apeshit for a while back there, wish i hadnt.

think about the best person you know thats not related to you. the guy or girl that seems to just have their shit together...can you see their face? now try to picture their face frowning...now their eyes are starting to tear up. the funny thing about this little excercise is we only imagine ourself. no matter how much i try to visualize another person feeling the overwhelming sorrow thats lodged deep in my breast, i just cant. maybe its just me, maybe im the one that grew apart from the world. on the other hand, maybe everyone has that one friend that cries over spilled milk, maybe im the only "loner" out there, the only person that just cant feel the sunshine. but i doubt it. everyone is always sad, everyone is always depressed. this is the conclusion i've reached.

the reasons are actually pretty simple. we all want what we cant have. we're all some greedy bastards who'll do anything to get "it", but when "it" doesnt happen we go on the warpath. an internal "trail of tears", and we are losing parts of ourselves in the process.

the idea of a better world is an illusion. we live based on what we make, and what we make depends on completely random acts of the universe. be in the right place at the right time and you will become the worlds next millionaire, or the worlds next serial killer, or the worlds next bum. the control you think you have is an illusion. life is a series of unfortunate events, some remarkable, others detestable, but completely random events. 

the reason we are always depressed, always sad, always alone is because we have no control over the outcome. granted, we have complete control over the initial decision, "im going outside" (wrong place at the wrong time, stray hollowpoint round hits your chest) or "i think i will take a drink" (squirl runs into the road, you lose control and murder 3 children on their way home from school) but the outcome is and will always be an act of fate. 

this is good enough reason to feel sad. good luck 

so im not so much tired like, sleepy tired but instead im pretty much tired of people. i thought being popular and very well liked would help, but it didnt when i was. now i can barely count a hand full of friends, my phone isnt ringing off the hook like it did for 4 years, and im not rushing to get out the door and make it anywhere on time. god, after being secluded for 8 months, single for 4+, i wonder why i ever wanted to get away from this life so badly. i wanted to stop being the weird nerd, cuz lets face...i am weird and kinda a nerd; but when i finally became (at the time) so much more, i needed help maintaining my sanity (mind altering substances). and to be completely honest, i lost myself and i still havent found me. fuck that, i've created a new me, a slick me, a pimp fuckin bomddiggidy genius me and FUCK YOU if you dont agree. i can answer life's questions because i've gotten it wrong enough to know how to get it right. i still have to say fuck the world though. everyone is out to get you and i forgot that for a few minutes but its clear as a bell yet again. dont trust anyone, friends are non-existent and love only lasts as long as the paycheck. once you hit the bottom of the world, your family will even turn you away but as soon as you get to the top they'll deny ever forsaking you and butter you up like a turkey. but YOU know the truth, you've heard the talk, you've listened through the walls, and just YOU cried. i asked myself, how could my family turn their backs on me when i needed them the most? truthfully, its just easier that way. I stopped caring a long time ago because i understand the rule...the person that has never turned their back on me is the person left to do so. it will happen, and if you dont expect that shit, you're an idiot.

i'll tolerate you but when you fuck me over that first time (cuz its gonna happen), our relationship is done. second chances are for pregnant teenagers and video games.

Politics are fucked! so 700 billion finally got passed and a big fuck you saluted the america people with pride. im not really sure what just happened but for years i've been becoming more and more "politically charged" and increasingly anarchist. To be completely honest, im about ready to burn the fucking Wh"ti"e (legal reasons) House down. i now know why they call it that, stupid naiive me. We see how they treat ethnic groups (the "minority") in America almost daily. Katrina, anti-immigration, classism, gay rights, religious expression, racial profiling, etc... 

Democracy is a failed system, well the idea behind democracy is beautiful and tear jerking (a nation of the people where freedom of speech, the press, personal identity, and governmental are controlled by "average joe six pack" = fuck Gov. Palin and Sen. McCain [dumb whores] outweight all politics). HUGE FAIL! Henry Paulson may have single-handedly destroyed the american dollar. Make way for the Amero ladies and gentlemen. Im tired of white american sucking the words of these liars up, Paulson, McBush, Palin, fox news, and most media outlets for that matter, like the dying wish of a man at Bunny Ranch with blue balls and no hands. FEMA concentration camps, government sanctioned prisons kept secret from the public sponsored by our wonderful U.S. Treasury, presided over by non other than the wonderful Henry Paulson; the threat of MARTIAL LAW if the bailout was not passed according to House Rep. Brad Sherman, police (illegally unmarked which means no name plate, no identification during a protest at the DNC) ridiculously abusing peaceful protesters and forcing self defense to cause a riot. Police dressed as protesters talking shit to cause a riot covered by the wonderful puppets at FOX NEWS trashing "protesters" = pigs disguised as protesters.

Now im hearing talk of America going to war with Russia? Man what the fuck, plain and simple. the draft under Sen. McCain is on the table for consideration. Does the U.S. Gov. really think im going to lay my life down for a country that constantly steals more and more to fill the pockets of the corrupt and uber wealthy? An avid NO to that one kids. I, like a fucking huge majority of americans do no support the Insurance and Bank "Failout" plan. America borrows 3 Billion dollars a day to fund our catastrophic Iraq failure as well as keep the country running, but pride is a bitch aint it. We are in debt to China, fuckin China! The American Gov. is a leech sucking the life out of the world and its people to keep up bullshit appearances. "beauty is only skin deep" and when the skin crumbels the hideous BLOOD/OIL/MONEY hungry beast will remain. The entire reason for the last 5 years of America's slowly dwindling economy has been "Weapons of Mass Destruction". Do u remember this Whopper of a lie? I ask one question, where the fuck are they? after all this time, all the military has to show is jack shit! i shouldnt say that, with three suicide bombings a week, 30-50 casualties that same week, and thousands of slaughtered soldiers on both sides, all kinda leave a satisfied taste in my mouth; satisfaction (if quoted, quote the entire sentence). Bush failed, but more painfully relevant, McCain is no different than Bush (the Sen.supported 95% of George Bush Jr's decision making), so the wonderful Sen. McCain failed before he got a chance to fuck our sweet innocent America in the ass. Bush lied about almost everything from the WoMD to the economy crisis which were known about months in advance according to Sen. Biden.

If the American people were told about the impending collapse of Wall Street, we would have been given time to prepare to shove that "Bailout" right up those corporate assholes with no vaseline. the bill was announced to the public last week, the bill passed on Oct. 3rd, 2008, but it has been prepared for roughly a month and a half. Why were they waiting to announce the economic crisis facing Americans? I believe to reduce the window of time the people have to be heard. "We do not work for our government, our government works for us"      

America, my sweet sweet america, your are not deaf and dumb. "Keep those eyes [ears and mouths] open"